I'm Sorry I Can't

Monday Morning Voicemail at Work
Hi, I'm calling because I just... vision of Jesus and Mary...and they were there...I saw Jesus... I don't know what to do...they were there, Jesus and Mary

Continues on for 2 minutes 9 seconds

I make faces as I listen to the voicemail, clearly confused.  Even more confused by the end because there is no name or contact information given.

Phone Conversation Tuesday Morning
Hello, this is Anusia
Did you get my message?
I'm sorry sir, who am I speaking with? Did you email or call?
I left a voicemail over the weekend. Can you help me??
Yes sir, I got your voicemail, what did you need help with?
I have tried calling my diocese, my priest, EWTN and all I have experienced is mean spirited people. I need to know the answer to my question.
Continues to ask questions about Church doctrine that I know the answers to
I am not the person to be contacting for answers to those questions, I would recommend finding a priest or looking in the Catechism.
You're telling me that you personally don't know the answer?
I'm sorry sir, I can't help you.
Can't you just tell me the answer.
I'm sorry, I can't.
Goodbye.

Walking Home from Work
Excuse me, I'm trying to get
Says something I don't understand
I'm sorry, I can't
I don't even know what you just asked me
Ok, thats a pretty dress you have on
I just walk away

My Brain
I'm sorry, I can't. I can't or I won't. He needed help.  That was clear, and not just with the answers to questions of doctrine.  I cannot trust every stranger who begins to speak with me.  Should I have done something more? But I really can't at work. Maybe I could have been more polite to the stranger.  Yea, I should've been more polite. What are my priorities? Helping people vs. following rules vs. safety vs. not being rude vs. being present to others...

I want to be like Jesus, bring Jesus to others, love Jesus in others.

But did Jesus ever say "I'm sorry, I can't"? Not that I can think of. So does that mean I need to take that phrase out of my vocabulary?

But I guess there's a difference, He's God, I'm not. There's nothing He can't do.

So I guess I'll just have to be ok with asking Him to help me keep figuring it out.

The Light of the World

Sometimes the Light of the World just needs a ride

Sometimes the Light of the World just wants to pay for His food

Sometimes the Light of the World is the highest bidder

Whoa.

Sunday Rest

Today was a day for rest.  Not just because it was Sunday, because typically on a Sunday I go out on some adventure seeking to complete another item on my DC bucket list.

Instead, today I stayed home.  All day.  I rested and sweated in the house as the temperature and humidity slowly climbed every since the rain shower stopped this morning.

This morning I prayed and struggled to pray in a parish sparsely populated with people two to three to four times my age.  Or with people who are one fifth my age. A population that both loves their parish and attends for obligation.

Maybe I can't make those judgements yet, I have only been here a few weeks.

I felt transported in time as I listened to two favorite radio shows while crocheting, my mind filling with romantic daydreams of allowing this Sunday ritual to become routine throughout my life.

Sr. D is back from Panama and back to trying to learn English.  I tutored her and we worked through her workbooks, trying to explain to her what "blood pressure" and "soon" mean through sign language and basic phrases.  Also that the "er" on laughter does not indicate more of something, like "happier."

I wrote a letter to Africa, to a community of volunteers that I was almost a part of.   Sad that I am not with them, but logically knowing it's right that I am here.

And that is what confuses me, or rather who.  Jesus.  A man of such simplicity, that I so easily overcomplicate.  I am a Catholic woman wandering around this life, or more immediately through Washington DC, trying to find peace and joy and love and happiness and stability and friends and an education and the right metro train and a beautiful flower and place to get a haircut.   So I get a map and join young adult groups and commit to living in one place for a year and get out the scissors and stand in front of the mirror while I cut my hair.  And all the while, try to find Jesus, because if everything I have been taught is to be true He is here and around here and in here and filling here.

So all of this life stuff must have meaning and must be heading somewhere that I do not yet know.

And that is entirely possible, in fact probable, if not certain, for there are many things that I do not yet know.

And so today I rest, because tomorrow is Monday and I have work in the morning.